THE ADVENTURES OF BILLY & CHARLIE (SPINOFF to SMOSH into TIME Trilogy)
by MiGZ21
Summary: In the aftermath of the Epic Battle of Smosh, everyone's lives are back to normal. The heroic Billy is back to his boring life of school work and chores which is a bummer. He misses the action. However, during the time when they were on the run from Alloy Digital he had made a friend, Charlie the Drunk Guinea Pig. And so the crazy adventures continue for Billy and Charlie.
1. Intro: SPINOFF SERIES

**_"THE ADVENTURES OF BILLY AND CHARLIE"_**

 ** _In the aftermath of the Epic Battle of Smosh, everyone's lives are back to normal. The heroic Billy is back to his boring life of school work and chores which is a bummer. He misses the action. However, during the time when they were on the run from Alloy Digital he had made a friend... Charlie the drunk guinea pig._**

 ** _What will happen when the stupid but adorable boy with a propeller hat teams up with the foul-mouthed, booze loving guinea pig?_**

 ** _Hilarious and action packed stuff guaranteed._**

This is the Spinoff series that takes place after the events of my **_SMOSH INTO TIME_** Trilogy when everything is back to normal. But Billy Hamburger misses the fun, and now he has Charlie the Drunk Guinea Pig as his companion.

And so the adventure continues for the Drunk and the Moron... Join them as they battle evil doers while also trying to balance it with normal boring life, not to mention Billy's raging hormones.


	2. S01E01: PARTNERS IN CRIME

**Episode 1: "PARTNERS IN CRIME"**

 **Billy Hamburger(POV)**

I stood at the center of a grassy field and looked up, the blinding rays of the sun came into my eyes as it turned the night into morning. Then a glint of gold fell towards the earth, catching my attention. I watched it spin like a boomerang. It was a star with two big black oval eyes on the surface. It's so pretty... I must have it.

"Oooh pretty!" I said, sprinting after the star as it fell.

"Billy! That's mine!" Anthony chased after me with the goal of beating me to it. I launched myself from the ground, reaching out a hand to grab the golden star.

The star disappeared even before I could touch it but then my entire skin flashed white, "What the-? HELP! I'M BLINKING!" I screamed, "HEEEEEEELP!"

Then Anthony held my shoulders and started shaking me, "Billy! It's okay!" The shaking continued and it became more violent, "Billy!"

"Anthony stop shaking me!" I struggled but he didn't stop, I saw his face frozen with anger repeating those words.

"BILLY IT'S OKAY!" He yelled. It echoed in my head.

"STOP!" I cried. I broke from his grasp and the open field around me suddenly turned into a room filled with posters and figures of Pokemon. Standing in front of me was an emo-haired teenager wearing black hoodie who was shaking me the entire time.

I was dreaming.

"Brent!" I gasped, "-what are you doing in my room?"

"You're screaming again." Brent said, shaking his head in annoyance.

"Yeah, thanks for interrupting my good dream." I sighed.

"My pleasure." He sat beside my bed, "Now get up, you're gonna be late for school." Without any warning, Brent shoved me off the side.

"AAAGH!" I fell head first on the solid ground, hitting it hard enough to possibly cause brain damage.

"Clumsy bitch." My brother laughed before leaving the room.

"That's the reason why I need special help." I rose up and sat back on the bed.

Then I looked at the nightstand and there my red and yellow beanie was, its silvery propeller attached at the top. I reached for it then lifted it from the table, then a long and slender wooden stick with a ball at one end rolled beneath it, falling on the floor.

I picked it up and held it in my hands. I stared out the window and there Primrose Park was, it was where we fought in epic proportions against Adrian and his mutant donuts, fighting for the survival of Smosh and to reclaim Alloy Digital from his evil clutches...

 _God, do I miss the epic battle._

I let out a loud sigh, everything's back to normal which is both awesome and not awesome. I have chores and boring school work.

"You miss the fights?" A raspy British voice spoke up. I turned around, a small box was just beside the nightstand, with its interior designed to be a miniature house to accommodate a cute furry grey foul-mouthed guinea pig, my newfound friend, _Charlie the drunk guinea pig._

"Good morning ya cute ball of cuteness!" I greeted as I tickled his back.

"Sod off, wanker." He interjected, "I'm not much of a morning person." I could tell by the tone of his shrill voice.

"Jeez, I was just being nice." I said, "-and yeah, I do wanna go back into time and fight those donuts again."

"You knucklehead, Teleporting Fat Guy said that it's dangerous to time travel, and you've got school." The guinea pig said.

"I hate school." I groaned, "All those numbers made my head ache." Charlie just laughed at my predicament.

I forgot that the stick was still in my hands. I looked around it and searched for a tiny button. Upon finding it, my thumb immediately pressed it; a long glowing purple rock candy lightsaber detracted from one end creating a hum.

The images flooded back into my head, I began imagining seeing large numbers of mutant donuts swarming inside my room, coming in from the windows and doors, from small donut holes to large maple bar donuts.

"Bring it on, bitches!" I yelled before doing a front flip onto my bed, I pretended to strike the imaginary foes.

"You can't mess with the Jedi!" I said as I slashed my lightsaber in the air, creating loud humming sounds at every swing. I leapt from the bed and landed back on the floor still doing some cool jedi moves.

"Billy! What the hell's going on?" Someone shouted from behind, making me jump and quickly swing my lightsaber.

My glowing blade inadvertently sliced off Brent's emo flaps.

Brent's eyes widened, he watched in horror as his bangs were chopped off. "AAAAAAAHHHHHH! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!" Brent knelt down, tears forming in his eyes, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY SWEET ASS HAIR?!" He wailed while picking up the strands on the carpeted floor.

"That's your ass hair?" Charlie roared with laughter, "-how did it end up on your head?"

I was at a loss of words. "SHIIIIIIIIIII-" I treaded backwards while retracting my sword back into the hilt, making it out of the room with Charlie in my hands. I just snickered, it was hella funny to see him bawl over his lost hair.

"You clumpsy dude, I like you." Charlie croaked.

"He deserved it, after all, he's always mean to me." I replied.

"That's my boy." I peeked back inside the room and my brother was still there, looking at the big mirror beside my bed.

"I look like that Anthony Padilla guy." He sobbed, "The fangirls won't like this one bit." He continued, "-think of all the hair hate comments."

"Brent is such a drama queen." I whined before going into the kitchen.

"Billy." My brother turned to me, his face turned red and his eyes burned with fury. He pulled out a stick from his jacket pocket and I heard a click, a long red rock candy lightsaber grew from the tip, "You're dead."

"Whoa! Where did you get that?!" I was surprised.

"Uh- I found it in the dumpster." He shrugged, "Now, prepare to get beaten."

I took out mine and turned it on, emitting a purple rock candy stick "Bring it on."

I put Charlie in my pocket, "Buckle up, it's gonna be bumpy."

"I already drank some anti-vomiting medicine." His raspy voice replied as he squeezed inside the pocket.

"Good boy."

Brent leapt on the bed and launched himself up, he brought down the blade at me, my heart skipped a beat as I blocked it with mine. Brilliant sparks of light filled the room and we engaged in a duel. He swung sideways and I bent backwards, watching the blade fly over my chest. I stood up and got to strike at him, he jumped over my swipe.

We locked blades, "Your powers are weak, puny Billy," Brent said in a Darth Vader tone, "Surrender and I will be merciful."

"A Jedi never surrenders." I pushed him backwards and waited for him to strike again. We engaged in a fast paced battle, our swords were swishing everywhere, creating burns at the walls of my room, slicing various things.

We locked blades, "Had enough?" I asked.

"Never!" He screamed.

"Boys? What's going on in there?" We heard our dad coming in my room. We broke apart and waited for our dad to enter. "Hey, what are you two-?" He gasped, his jaw dropped upon seeing the heavily damaged room.

"Dad?" We stuttered.

"Damn you kids!" He raised both his hands at us and his fingers bent as if he was choking an invisible neck. We felt something grasp our throats, our dad lifted us in the air, squeezing the air from our lungs. We floated closer to him, he was furious, "-if you're gonna have a Jedi battle, you do it outside!" He scolded. We floated there in shock by what he had done.

 _I guess the force is strong in my family._

He fixed his out of place reading glasses and let us down gently on the floor, "You better get going, Billy." He turned to me, "-You're late for school."

I glanced at the watch:

 _7:55AM_

"Oh crap!" I dashed outside the room and ran to the kitchen where out mom was washing the dishes.

"You don't really have to go to school." Charlie suddenly popped from my pocket.

"Really?" I smiled.

"You could just stay here and do whatever I say." He grinned.

"I have a better idea." I spoke up, "I'll bring you with me to school." I laughed evilly.

His stubby feet kicked around, trying to escape my pocket, "No! I hate school."

"I hate it too." I laughed, "We'll hate it together." I zipped it, letting a little opening for him to breathe.

"I gotta get to school now, mom." I said.

"How about breakfast first?" She asked.

"I-I'm kinda late for school." I reasoned.

"Oh, alright, don't forget your lunch bag, sweetie." She replied, I snatched one of the paper bags resting on the kitchen counter then kissed her on the cheek.

"Bye mom!" I yanked open the door and closed it behind me.

"Billy!" She shrieked and I peeked back inside.

"Yeah?" I peeked back inside the house and she was standing by the doorway holding a pair of pants.

"Don't you wanna put on your pants?" She smiled while jiggling my freshly ironed jeans.

I looked down... Tighty whities!

"DAMN IT!"

"Billy, Watch your language!"

* * *

"Nice going, you damn poof." Charlie scolded, "You're late for school!"

"That's not what I'm afraid of." I replied as I ran towards the school's main doors, "-I'm afraid of being caught by the school's hall monster- I mean, hall monitor."

I pushed open the large doors and a long hallway was inside with lockers on either side, the walls were painted dull grey and the tiles were white and shiny. Charlie scoffed and peeked out if my pocket, "Pfft, she couldn't be that bad, ri- OH."

In front of us was a girl who had her back turned at us. She was the same age as me, she has braided ginger hair and was wearing a cap that had the label:

HALL MONITOR.

"It's Mandy!" I whispered then ran behind a trash bin, nearly being caught by her.

"That's the hall monitor you've been afraid of?" Charlie leapt out of my pocket and went around the corner, trying to get a better look at the girl, "She's kinda hot."

"Mm-yeah, she is, but she's the meanest kid in school, she likes to pick on me everyday." I nervously replied.

"I like her." The guinea pig said.

"What is it with you and human girls?" I shook my head in confusion.

"Boobs." He smiled.

Then we heard footsteps approaching us, "We have to find another way."I backed away from the corner trying to make no sound as possible, "We're in big trouble if she catches us." I whispered.

Then the sounds disappeared.

"Phew that was cl-" I bumped into someone, a taller dude with graying hair, wearing blue overalls and holding a mop, he let out a shriek. "Whoa sorry!" I said.

"Hey, what are you doing here? You should be in class!" The old man's forehead wrinkled and he gave me the stink eye. He grasped my shirt firmly and pulled me closer, "You are in big trouble." His tone sent chills down my spine.

 _Uh oh, Trouble._

"What's going on over there?" A mean girl voice came from the far end of the hall, it's Mandy.

 _More trouble._

"I-I'm sorry mister!" I whimpered, trying to remove his fir, grasp from my shirt, "I'm going to class!" I tried walking away but he never let go, "P-Please let me go." I pled.

"Oh no, I'm not gonna let you go," He laughed evilly, "I'm taking you to the principal."

Charlie peeked out of my pocket and looked at the old janitor, "What's with the holdu-YOU." His raspy voice said darkly, staring angrily at the man and the man responded with an evil grin.

"You know him?" I asked the guinea pig and he shifted in my pocket.

"Our old asshole landlord." He said.

"Look who it isn't, Charlie the drunk guinea pig." The old man mocked, "Where are your dimwitted friends? The gay duo?"

"They are not gay!" I protested.

"The last person who said Ian and Anthony are gay ended up with Mr. Stabby lodged in their chest." Charlie threatened.

"Who?" I asked.

"Ask the landlord." He smirked.

"We're not over yet," The janitor pulled out a vacuum cleaner and aimed it at Charlie, "One press of this button and I'll ship you to Kim Jong Il." He laughed maniacally, "And you, Billy Hamburger are in monumentally gigantic trouble."

"Hey, Mr. Janitor! Boobies!" I pointed behind him and he let go quickly turning around.

"WHERE?!" He said.

"Run!" Charlie screamed and I karate-chopped the man's hand from my shirt and I dashed to the front doors, barging outside of the place and running away from the creepy man.

"GET BACK HERE!" The old man gave chase. I ran as fast as I could and went around the school but still with him in hot pursuit. I went to the side of the building and saw a narrow passageway leading to a grey door at the end.

 _The school's fire exit._

I was growing tired, feeling the shortness of breath as I ran but the janitor wasn't slowing down, it seems like he's fit. "I can't run anymore!" I yelled.

 **Charlie the Drunk Guinea Pig (POV)**  
Billy ran along a narrow place, but I noticed the old man gaining on him, "Let me slow him down for you." I climbed up his shoulder and faced the old man, "Come taste my laser eyes you damn poof!" I felt the buildup of heat inside me and my eyes burned, "HYAAAAAAAH!" I shot lasers but the landlord dodged the beam, hitting the trash bin behind him instead and sending piles of paper flying in the air.

"Shit! Keep running, Billy!" I ordered as a shot more beams at the moron. Countless beams were flying about, bouncing through mirrors and hitting the walls of the corridor. The old man just laughed at my aims, "You dare mock me?!" I yelled. I took a deep breath and shut my eyes, concentrating and harnessing the burning sensation inside.

"Hurry!" Billy panicked as he continued to run.

"Wait for it..." I shook violently on the boy's shoulder, "RRRRRRAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHH FUUUUUCK YOUU!" I blasted a really powerful burst of red laser, illuminating the passageway behind us and creating a powerful explosion.

Billy stopped running and the light slowly faded, revealing the old man standing in the center and darkened all over, burnt hair and missing eyebrows and the vacuum cleaner disintegrated to a pile of ash. "Whoa, I think he's overcooked." Billy joked. The old man slowly swayed side to side and fell face down on the floor.

"Now, let's go to your class, you're late." I said.

 **Billy Hamburger(POV)**  
I silently peeked inside the small window of the door of my classroom and saw that Mrs. Fletcher, our cranky, forty something unmarried teacher, checking the class attendance. The chairs inside were occupied by my other classmates except for one.

 _My Chair._

"Crap, I'm damn late!" I slumped back on the wall.

"I have a plan." Charlie said, "Knock on this door." I did what he said and knocked three times on the door.

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

I saw the teacher walk towards the door, "Now go through the other door!" There was a second door that led to the same room but it was nearer to my chair than the first door. I dashed towards that door as Mrs. Fletcher opened the first, pushing it open and lunging to my seat the same time the teacher went back inside.

 _Phew! That was close!_

Her bespectacled eyes look at her class record, "Billy Hamburger?" She called out.

"Present!" I raised my hand, "Great thinking, Charlie!" I whispered to the pet in my pocket before pulling him outside and setting him down on the desk.

"No problem, kiddo, I always got your back." He replied and I just smiled. Charlie may be a booze addict, but he's the most reliable person I could count on ever since the battle of Smosh.

Then suddenly the door burst open, a darkened figure walked inside, head smoking, burnt uniform and missing eyebrows.

"Billy Hamburger, you are in big-"

"HOYAAAAAAAHHHH!" Charlie yelled as I saw a glint of silver flying towards the old landlord. It hit him squarely in the chest. _It was Mr. Stabby._

The landlord screamed out loud, the knife was buried deep in his abdomen. "YAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

* * *

 **And that's the pilot episode of Billy and Charlie!**

 **Sorry if it felt rushed, because I was too busy these past weeks. (Curses at College life)**

 **And sorry for the "forgetting to wear pants" gag, it's a little overused :/**

 **I'll put this on hiatus too for the meantime :)**  
 **-Migz**


	3. S01E02: CHARLIE CHARLIE

**Billy Hamburger**

I woke up to the sound of my alarm clock buzzing, it was another school day. I sat up and shook my head, sighing in disbelief that I have to do the same stuff I've been doing for ten years over and over and over again. My hands subconsciously reached for my beanie red and yellow propeller hat that was on the bed side table before proceeding to the bathroom. In front was the mirror with my reflection staring back at me: brilliant blue eyes, but they looked tired, there were layers of eyebags resting under them.

I washed my face and talked to my reflection, "This day's gonna be boring, yet again."

But it felt like something was missing, as if my morning wouldn't be complete without it, I thought for a second. _Oh yeah!_

 _Charlie's rants in the morning._

I went back to my room searching for him, going over to his box that I built for him, "Hey, you little furball." I glanced over but found nothing.

He was nowhere to be found.

"Where are you?" I called out but no one responded. "Charlie?" I raised my voice. My heart skipped, Charlie's on the loose, who knows what he'd do, he's cranky every morning and always swore to be violent to everyone else except me. I stepped out of the room and went to my brother Brent's room, gently pushing the door to make less noise before sticking my head inside.

My brother was still sleeping, curled like a baby in his bed, sucking on his thumb, a sight that made me snicker. His hair was different, it resembles Anthony Padilla's current hairstyle with curls near the ends of the strands.

I quietly stepped inside, "Charlie, are you here?" I whispered, going on tiptoes while making my way to my brother's bed. I knelt beside the bed then crouched down to search for him under it, "Charlie?" I called.

"Who goes there?" Brent suddenly said and I quickly crawled under his bed, "You better not be stealing my hair gel." Then it was followed by loud snoring.

I hid under him with cobwebs and dust bunnies around me, and what made it worse was that the moment Brent shifted above, it squeezed down on me trapping me under.

I wheezed, "Jeez."

Then my brother moved again, freeing me from the tight squeeze.

"Charlie? Where are you?" I took out my phone and turned on the flashlight, illuminating the dark. Near the far end of Brent's bed was a dark grey fur that moved, "There you are you little rascal." I reached out a hand for him then felt a long tail, a long pink tail.

The thing faced me, it was no guinea pig, it was a mouse. No, a rat.

The rat jumped on my face and grabbed on my cheeks, I panicked but tried to contain my squeals or risk waking up my brother who' would surely kill me when he sees me in his room. I thrashed under the bed, trying to pry off the pesky rat that was on me.

"Get off!" I said, grabbing on his tail and pulling him away. I managed to get him off before throwing him away from me and out of the place, "Stupid rat." I crawled out of the place and stood up and noticed my brother was still sleeping, "You sure are a heavy sleeper." I smirked.

I decided to seize the moment, took a marker from his bag, leaned over the bed and began drawing doodles on his face, mostly composed of penises and vaginas. I snickered while drawing mustaches on his face.

Brent grunted and he suddenly wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into a hug, "Hey there, Ashley, wanna make out?" He sleep talked. I struggled to get away from him but he also wrapped his leg on me, "Come on, baby, pucker up."

My heart leapt as I saw my brother lick his lips then puckered it, he drew closer to me. I leaned away while he leaned in.

 _Shit. Shit. Shit._

"No, no." I pled, trembling in fear. _The Lannisters Approve._

I looked around, finding something to stop my brother from making out with me. Then something caught my attention on his bedside table, it was the rat.

With one last effort, I snatched the rodent from the top and blocked my face with it, and it ended up with Brent making out with the rat. I was able to break free from his grasp while he was busy kissing his rodent.

"Oh baby, you got that beard!" Brent complemented the rat. It looked horrible but funny as hell, seeing him dreaming of kissing a girl but in fact he was doing it with a smelly rodent.

"Goddamn." I cringed and hastily dashed out of the room then laughing loudly once I was outside. I went to my room, packed my things up and got ready for school.

"BILLY! YOU ASSHOLE!" Brent's screams were heard in the whole house just as I had left for school.

* * *

At school I sat on my table motionless, thinking of where Charlie went.

"Hey, Nerd." It was our Hall Monitor, Mandy, the school bully walked up to me, fixing her reddish hair into a ponytail.

"Y-yeah?" Staring into her deep hazel eyes which was fearsome. Just by looking at her face, you'd turn into stone.

She pulled on my collar and brought me closer to her, "Don't you dare look at me like that." She threatened.

"What are you talking about?" She and I were not on the same page.

"You were looking at me funny back there." She said.

"No I wasn't." I defended but she tightened her grip and lifted me off the ground, "I was thinking of something else." I said, "My pet has gone missing."

She suddenly dropped me on the ground while the other kids laughed at me, "Oh, boo hoo, Charlie's missing, what do we do know?" She insulted, "You puny baby, no wonder why you're lonely." She turned her back at me laughing in the most obnoxious way she could.

 _If only I had my lightsaber, I'd go apeshit._

"I still don't get her." I stood up while being helped by my friend Bob.

"Get her at what?" Bob asked.

"Every bully has their own story to tell, she could only be hiding it for all I know." I said while observing Mandy. Everyone has a soft side, even that psychopath.

"Like what?" My friend raised his eyebrow.

"I dunno, maybe she's lonely?" I shrugged.

"Speaking of Charlie, you should check out this Charlie finder on the internet." He showed me his phone with a video depicting a man sitting on the floor with a paper and a pencil on the floor. The man drew words on the paper and fixed the two pencils on the center, creating an x shape. "It's called ' _Charlie Charlie_ ', maybe this could lead you to him."

"I'll try doing it."

RIIIIIIIIIING! It was the end of the class and I wasted no time in going home. And the search for my pet had just begun.

Later on in the search, I ended up in front of Ian and Anthony's Smosh house, the same house that was blown up back in November, the same house that was abandoned. There was a white van parked on the sidewalk near Ian's Subaru and Anthony's Ford.

I stepped on the front door and knocked on their door, "Ian? Anthony?" I said. But there was no answer. I knocked again, still no answer before deciding to barge inside and to my surprise, the door was not locked, not even a chain.

"Guys?" I called out as I went inside, spotting the small concrete arch that separates the living room from the kitchen. It was slightly dark, only the light coming from the hallway lit the entire place. Passing under the arch I found myself in the living room-slash-kitchen.

"Oh yeah, that's how I like it." I heard a voice coming fro the hallway, and it sounded like Ian.

"Try to get my good side." A man responded, and it was Anthony's and it was coming from the same place. Random thoughts came to my mind, _really dirty thoughts._

I went into the hallway and turned left, facing a long path with three doors: one on each side and one at the very end. Then the moans came from the farthest room: _Ian's room._

My mind was playing on dirty things happening to them, I was praying it's not really happening. The last time I remember is that they mislead me back in the van when Anthony was screaming and the vehicle was rocking about.

I finally reached the door, and gently pushed it open halfway, "Guys?" Then I caught sight of them. My heart skipped, "AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" I quickly covered my eyes. Ian and Anthony were wearing nothing but their tighty whities and wigs, Ian was bent over a couch while his friend was flexing.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Anthony shrieked, "Billy?! What are you doing he- it's not what it looks like!"

"Fool me twice, shame on me." I kept my eyes covered, "So you two are dating now?" I asked, somewhat disgusted. I felt Anthony's hand pry the covers on my eyes.

"We-we're not doing anything." Anthony calmly said.

"Why the hell are you naked?" I replied before opening my eyes, "I'm not gonna get that image out of my brain." I pinched the bridge of my nose.

"We were shooting a video." Ian spoke up and pulled open the door and revealed a camera crew.

"I didn't know Smosh will also do porn!" I twitched.

"No, you dummy!" Ian sighed, "We're shooting a video called _'Every Instagram Ever'_ "

"What's that gotta do about being naked?" My face scrunched up, still unable to get over that scary scene I just saw, "I'm scarred."

"ManCrushMonday." Anthony said.

I sighed in relief, however still not fully convinced on their explanation, "Riiiiight, the fangirls are gonna love it, prepare for more 'Mature Content' fanfics."

"You read those kinds of fanfics?" Ian shot up, his eyebrows scrunched together mirroring the same freaked out expression as mine.

"I've read one and it kept me up all night" I shivered, "-why the hell would someone shove a curling iron up one's ass?" I was on the verge of puking trying to recall the fanfic.

"We've read that one, and we weren't able to finish it." Anthony chuckled.

"Have you seen Charlie?" I changed the topic.

"I thought we left him in your care?" The bowl haired man said, "You were supposed to look after him."

"I know, but I couldn't find him since this morning." I said, worrying about my pet even more.

"You better find him fast, who knows what he'll do once he's drunk then finds a chainsaw."

"Alright, I see you guys are busy with your 'Instagram' video, I guess I should be going now." I bid them goodbye, "This is the second time I caught you doing something that sounds kinda dirty." I laughed.

"Since when did Smosh not have inappropriate and misleading content?" Ian shrugged.

I agreed, "Very true, bye!" I closed the door.

* * *

It was almost noontime, Charlie was still missing. I sat on the couch wondering what to do, it was actually boring without him: there was no one in the house who rants about everything in the world, who keeps on screaming 'booze'.

Then I remembered the _'Charlie Charlie'_ thing my friend told me, "Maybe it could bring Charlie to me." I said to myself and prepared the materials: a sheet of paper and two pencils. I imitated the formation of the pencils in the video, and wrote four words on the paper:

 _He's drunk | He's Flirting with Girls_

 _He's Flirting with Girls | He's Drunk_

What? It's what Charlie regularly does, right?

I sat down on our carpeted floor, placed the pencils into an X shape between those words, then researched about how to conduct it. And after thorough searching, I found the procedure:

"Okay." I exhaled, "First, I gotta stand on two feet." I stood up then glanced back on my phone's screen, "-then I gotta take deep breaths." I did what it stated, "Then I gotta-" I gasped, "Oh hell naw."

But I have to do it to find Charlie.

* * *

I pushed my brother's door open to find him playing on his PS4. He jumped the moment he saw me, surprised and shocked by my appearance. But what made him scream was worse...

 _I was butt naked_.

"BILLY! WHAT THE FUCK?!" My brother shrieked.

"HERE COMES THE YOLOCOPTER!" I swirled my willie around, doing a helicopter with it. _If you don't know what the helicopter means in Smosh, you need to watch their videos more._

 _"_ Sorry! It's what the procedure said." I blushed with embarrassment while doing it before glancing at the steps, "' _Make sure your brother feels terrible.'_ " I read.

Brent kept on screaming, he was covering his eyes, "GODDAMMIT!" He yelled, "Stop!" He started catching his breaths, he was having a panic attack. My brother suddenly collapsed on his bed, motionless.

I stopped, "Oh shit." Terrified that that might've killed him. Then I remembered Smosh's video, ' _HOW TO COVER UP A MURDER'_ in which Anthony said check if he's dead. I observed my brother if he was still breathing...

He was.

I sighed in relief but frowned because I wouldn't have to carry on the next step: _Blame it on the black guy,_ and I already have someone to blame: _Keith Leak._

 _Whoa. That's extremely racist._

The next step I read was to twerk in someone's face. "Does twerking in Molester Moon's face count?" I asked myself, thought about it for a while then checked it off the list.

Then I did the remaining steps: Send Ian a box full of Aunt Jemima syrup bottles, hide Anthony's phone and hair care products, shave off Ryan Todd's thick beard, lick the doorknob at the guy's restroom, get a cat dick, steal the Mona Lisa, switch Olivia's and Mari's identities, hide Noah's glasses, blame Keith for attacking Brent, give Courtney a box of donuts with tomato soup filling and replace all of Shayne's clothes with chicken costumes.

After a tiring day's work of following it, I read the final line:

- _Realize you've been pranked by Charlie the drunk guinea pig._

My eyes widened, then a burst of laughter came from the closet, "You totally fell for it, you dumb poof!" Charlie stepped out of it, "You're too gullible."

"B-but I-I got my willie replaced with a cat dick." I trembled.

"You'll get used to it." He scoffed, "It's only a little bigger than your old one."

"Aww, you little rascal." I picked up the guinea pig and hugged him, "I thought you were gone." I ran my fingers through his fur.

"Enough of the gay stuff." Charlie cringed, "You and I are going somewhere."

"Where?" I raised an eyebrow, "Is it another adventure?" I jumped in excitement.

"Oh yeah."

I prepared my lightsaber and twirled my propeller hat, "I'm up for that."

"I talked with this hot babe back in the L.A. Museum, she wants us to get something for her." Charlie croaked.

"What does she want?" I smiled.

"She asked me to steal a scroll from a bunch of noobs." Charlie took out a little piece of paper and handed it to me, I looked at it and it gave us directions to where the supposed scroll was hidden.

"What's with the scroll?" I asked.

"The long lost treasure of the _Golden Flamingo_." His fur stood on end.

"Sounds dangerous, I like it."

* * *

 **Whoa, this episode's short. Sorry about that. :P**

 **The ending actually connects to my New Smosh Fanfic: THE SMOSHTASTIC EXPEDITION. STAY TUNED FOR THAT!**

 **-Migz**


	4. Season 2 Announcement!

So, hey, how's it going? Did you miss me? Yeah, It's been a while since I updated this story, I've been really busy with _Smosh Expedition: The Golden Flamingo._ But it's done.

Oh, did I mention that there's gonna be a SEASON 2 of this book? How can I miss that announcement?

We will be back to writing this book for a five-episode season.

See ya!

-Migz


	5. S02E01: THE WALKING DUMMY

**Billy Hamburger**

I cowered in fear, clutching my pillow tightly while _The Walking Dead_ played on my laptop's screen. It was scary, but despite all the terrifying gore, it was an overall good show. Charlie and I were having a marathon, we were new to this fandom, and I don't regret being late for school because of this.

It wasn't even dark yet, it was just past two in the afternoon, still, the show gives me goosebumps. Charlie was into the show as well, he couldn't even take his eyes off of the screen.

Then there was a knock on the door, making us jump.

"Who is it?" I asked, hastily closing my laptop and hiding it under the pillow. I quickly grabbed the nearby math book on my nightstand and opened a random page as the door opened. The person stuck his head inside.

It was my father, he was dressed casually and holding the car keys in his hand, "Billy, we're taking Brent to the dentist, we'll be gone the whole day since they'll remove his wisdom tooth, you wanna come?"

I smirked, "As much as I'd love to see Brent in pain, I can't," I shrugged, lazily pointing to my open book, "I've got homework."

My dad nodded his head, "Alright, see you later, son. We'll be back before nine."

"Bye, dad." I waved goodbye. He went out and left the door ajar. "Haven't you people heard of closing the God bleep door?" I sang.

"No." Brent's voice echoed, "-please don't make that _Panic! at the Disco_ reference."

I whined, "But it's catchy!" I yelled back, "Good luck at the dentist, big bro!"

He stuck his head in the room. Brent was wearing his traditional grey hoodie, but his hair was still short, "Pshh, it'll be nothing, sure I can take a wee bit of tooth extraction."

Charlie snickered, "Did they tell you that you'll be in pain for a week, won't be able to speak, and have a swollen face?"

"Wh-what?!" Brent exclaimed.

The guinea pig looked away, "Oh nothing," he had an evil smile, "Have fun."

"Brent, honey, we're about to leave." Our mom said from outside.

My brother trembled and slowly went out of the room, "I-I'm coming, mom." And he also left the door open.

I stood up and angrily slammed the door before diving back to my bed with Charlie.

"What the frick have you done?" My pet asked, munching on a popcorn scattered on the bed, "You could've had front row seats watching Brent get all messed up!"

I bowed my head, "But we haven't finished season four yet!" I whined, "I wanna know what happens to Rick and his gang!"

"What if I told you right now?" Charlie grinned evilly.

"Please don't, I don't wanna be spoiled. I hate spoilers, they ruin the thrill of watching." I sighed.

"If that's the case, Rick's team get-"

I quickly covered my ears, "LALALALALALALALA! I'M NOT LISTENING! LALALALALA!"

"Smart move, boy." The guinea pig chuckled.

I put down my hands, "And I have to do homework."

Charlie gave me a look of confusion with a smirk on his face.

"And when I mean homework, I mean watch the entire season five of this TV show." I boasted, putting my hands on my waist.

"Attaboy." His raspy British voice said, "Now go get me some booze!"

"Anthony told me you should keep away from the booze."

"Do you remember what happens when I don't get a dose of alcoholic beverage?" Charlie glared at me and crawled closer to me, I slowly stood up, intimidated. "Do you remember, Billy?" His voice was now low and terrifying. "Do you?"

A lump formed in my throat as the guinea pig crawled closer like a tiger ready to pounce on its prey, only this one's a little cuter.

I gulped, "What?"

On his black pair of eyes was a flash of red.

"Oh, what the hell am I thinking! I'll get you your booze now!" I jumped and scrambled to the door.

The guinea pig smirked, "That's what I thought you said."

I went out and into the kitchen.

"Billy, wait!" Charlie yelled from in my room.

I hastily ran back and stuck my head through the gap between the door, "Yeah Charlie?"

"Rick's team get captured by a bunch of cannibals." he said before bursting with laughter.

"FUCK YOU, CHARLIE!" I bellowed.

* * *

Even though my good for nothing pet spoiled the ending of Season four, we still watched until half of the next season. The story was fantastic, from start to finish, I couldn't take my eyes off the screen.

The film had some good scares, drama and tension. Some scenes are too brutal for me so I had to cover my eyes, but Charlie seemed to have been enjoying it, he occasionally laughs at it whenever gross things happen. _That messed up guinea pig._

The day quickly turned into night as the sunlight outside the window slowly disappeared and leaving my room in total darkness, with only the light from my computer illuminating the place. Clouds begin to rumble as a single drop of rain fell on our roof, it was then followed by heavy rains that almost muffled the sounds from my laptop.

"What time is it?" Charlie asked.

I checked the alarm clock on my bedside table, "Uh... It's eight in the evening." I scoffed, "Wow, that wisdom tooth extraction really is taking a while."

"Dumb teen must've died of fright." He laughed.

I guffawed, "Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be going to the kitchen to fix me some food to eat." I jumped from my bed startling the guinea pig who had just found a soft spot.

"Easy, you poof!" He rolled like a sausage on the bed.

I fixed my propeller hat on my head and went out of my room, following the hallway that leads to our living room. The lights were mostly off, and the only source of light was the flashlight on my phone. I moved my light around the hall as if I was in an action movie, complete with an attack ready position imagining that something might pop up from around the corner.

It could be a walker.

I took out the hilt of my rock candy lightsaber and pretended it to be a knife by swinging it around the place, thinking I was all badass and shit.

"Come and get me, walkers." I whispered. "Hyaah! Hayaaah!"

I think that scream sounded like Link's.

As I slowly treaded the hall I kept doing some moves. I imagine myself living in the world of The Walking Dead, which would be awesome. "Ya feelin' lucky, punk walker?" I spoke in a western accent while swinging my hilt.

Then there was a soft whisper coming from the kitchen, it sent chills down my spine.

"Who-who goes there?" I stuttered, igniting my lightsaber and lighting the hall in purple hue.

 _"Billy..._ "

"This is not funny, Brent." I trembled, my sweaty hands gripping the wooden handle.

" _Who's Brent?"_ The creepy voice replied that made me tremble inside and out.

"I'm warning you, I'm trained in the Jedi arts, I could burn your ass in a swipe of my lightsaber." I threatened.

" _How can you fight the things you can't even see?"_

I gasped, and began looking around, searching the source of the voice, "Where the hell are you?" I shakily said.

" _Somewhere close."_ It replied and it sounded really close, really close.

 _It was coming from behind me._

Without any hesitation, I turned around screaming, swishing my weapon in the air. To my surprise, there was no one there. "Leave me alone!"

" _Missed me."_

"I'm not playing games, Mr. Ghost sir, I just wanna have something to eat." I said, taking out a crucifix from my pocket, "The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!"

" _Way to rip off The Exorcist."_

"What? It's a good movie!" I raised an eyebrow. "Plus, that 360-degree head turn was funny, and also the projectile vomiting."

" _True_."The disembodied voice scoffed.

Suddenly, in the pitch black hall, a pair of red eyes lit up. I jumped in shock but then realized who it was. I sighed, "Nice try, Charlie."

The scarlet light went off and was followed by sounds of tiny footprints walking towards me, "Alright, you got me, you poof." He laughed. I picked him up from the ground and placed him on my shoulder.

"But you really did scare me." I chuckled, walking to the kitchen and switching on the lights. "Now, let's get us something to eat." I gently placed him on the kitchen counter before going to the fridge and looking for leftovers.

"Don't forget the booze." The pet said, "I'll be heading back to the room and wait for you there."

"Okay."

Charlie walked to a nearby leaning broomstick and slid all the way down to the floor before disappearing in the hallway.

The rain kept pouring heavily, and the clouds rumbled louder. It was not a pretty weather outside, _obviously._ It was dark outside, pretty much a perfect time to have some hot coco which was what I was serving right now.

Despite the noisy drops of rain pounding on the roof above us, it felt pretty much quiet, peaceful when everyone but me gone, especially Brent who would always play his heavy metal songs in his room so loud that it could bring the house down with one bass drop. He would also pick on me and Charlie but would eventually get burned by my pet who's way more foul-mouthed than he is.

I took a sip of my hot drink and gathered up the things to eat.

Then a loud thunder rang through my ears and shook the ground followed by all of the lights in the house flickering off.

 _Perfect._

"Nice try, Charlie." I rolled my eyes, "Really? A creepy, perfectly timed power outage?"

"What are you talking about? It's not me." Charlie said, his voice coming from my room.

"Whatever." I just treaded the dark hallway, with the flashes of lightning illuminating the path to my room.

I was able to make it into my room, it was also dark as all of the lights were out. The only thing that was lit was the bright screen of my laptop, it was shining on my bed and Charlie, who was sitting there waiting for me.

"Great, the power's out." Charlie said, glancing at me then back at the screen. "You got me booze?"

"Yeah." I fumbled through the snacks in my arm and found a can of liquor. "Here you go."

My pet quickly chugged the entire thing in no less than ten seconds. "Now let's just finish the show, shall we? Season 7 premieres this October and we still haven't watched Season 6!" He burped.

"I think we can't to that." I shrunk, my voice faltering.

"Why not?"

"I forgot to charge my laptop." I rubbed my arm awkwardly.

"Well, let's watch it before this piece of junk dies!"

"I'm afraid we can't... If my calculations are correct, the laptop will turn off in five."

"Five what? Minutes? Hours?"

"Four... Three... Two... One."

The laptop switched off, engulfing us in total darkness.

"Aw shit." The guinea pig cleared his throat before his red eyes switched on.

"I suggest we have to wait out this storm." I reached for my weapon only to realize I left it back in the kitchen with my phone, "Crap, I forgot my phone and my lightsaber." I sighed, "Come with me Charlie." I picked him up from my bed and placed him on my shoulder.

"Why?" He whined, "It's just the kitchen."

"Do you have any idea how a thirteen year old's mind work? In this kinds of situation, I imagine monsters, robbers."

"No wonder you've been practicing your ridiculous Jedi moves earlier." He laughed.

"Exactly." I slowly pulled the door open walked out.

Then at the same exact moment I went out of my room, the front door blew open, making us jump.

"Who is that?" Charlie asked.

"I dunno." I crouched down and walked to the counter using Charlie's eyes as my only source of light.

After that loud bang, loud grunts came from the front door. When I reached the counter table, I reached out my hand to feel for my weapon on top. But I found nothing.

"Where the hell is my weapon?" I mumbled, before pulling myself to peek at the intruder.

"Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna use the loo for a quick moment." Charlie jumped from my shoulder and ran to the bathroom.

"What? Don't leave me here! I'm scared."

"You're a grown-ass man-child, sure you could handle a quick minute without me."

"Okay." I trembled and looked at the intruder. I saw a dark figure standing by the doorway, it was a person, but its posture was limp, as if it was struggling to walk.

The person grunted, voice sounding gurgled as if drowning from its own saliva.

I stood up, "B-Brent?" I-is that y-you?"

There was no reply.

Then a flash of lightning gave me a look at him. It was Brent, but he looked different, his clothes were torn exposing his skin underneath which was pale as paper. His eyes showed no emotion, but it was looking at me dead in the eyes. My brother's arms swayed lifelessly as he hobbled to me, trying to grunt my name but instead sounded like a walker.

The hairs on my back stood on end, it was like my worst fears have been realized. Brent has become a zombie.

I screamed, "OH GOD!" Then ran back to Charlie who had just gotten out of the bathroom.

"What? What is it?!" Charlie was alarmed by my sudden high-pitched girly scream.

"BRENT'S A WALKER!" I cried.

The guinea pig laughed, "That's a sign you've been watching too much zombie movies." He walked past me and looked at the hallway, "Besides, zombies aren't re-"

Another flash of lightning, Charlie was able to see Brent who was standing in the hallway, who was definitely looking all scary.

The guinea pig gasped then screamed, "HOLY FUCK! A FUCKING ZOMBIE!" He bellowed.

"What are you talking about?" I squinted my eyes, "He's not fucking a zombie, he IS the zombie!"

"Seriously?! You had to point that out?" Charlie whimpered, "RUN!"

I scooped up the guinea pig from the ground and ran away from the hobbling zombie that moaned and grunted, screaming our lungs out dashing along the dark hall.

We managed to run inside our parents' room. "What are we gonna do, Charlie?!" I said, holding the knob tightly. "We can't let zombie Brent take over the house, he could bite Mom and Dad!"

"We're gonna have to fight."

"How?! I left my lightsaber in the kitchen!"

"With my laser eyes, you dumbass!"

"Uh, how? You just drank a can of booze."

A sudden clarity dashed on his face, "Then we're gonna have to improvise." Charlie looked around, "Over there!" He pointed to a small potted cactus plant sitting on the windowsill.

"My mom's cactus plant?" I wrinkled my forehead, "What's that gonna do?"

"Haven't you played _Plants Vs. Zombies_?" The guinea pig said.

"Great thinking, buddy!" I ran to the window and took the small pot.

"Okay, when I say go, you open the door and hurl that plant at 'em, and go for the head." He instructed.

I firmly held the pot in my hand, "The we run like hell, go to the fridge and stock up on peas."

"Exactly, then we hit him with all we've got."

My hand grasped the knob while the other was poised to launch the potted plant, "Ready?" I looked at my friend who was on my shoulder.

"Let's do this!"

As if on queue, I yanked the door open and saw Brent a few feet away from us, slowly making his way towards us. Adrenaline rushed within me while I threw the cactus at him, hitting his private part. Zombie Brent wailed in pain, clutching his crotch where the spikes of the cactus was lodged into.

"RUN BILLY!" Charlie exclaimed and we took off, skipping over the downed zombie and running back into the kitchen.

Upon reaching it I grabbed the frozen bag of peas and ripped it open with my moth before shoving massive amounts of it into my mouth. It was cold for my tongue but it didn't matter, desperate times call for desperate measures.

"Don't be selfish, give me some!" Charlie said. I placed him on the table with the bag and he also stuffed some into his mouth.

Both of us readied ourselves, facing the hallway where my zombified brother's footsteps were coming from. "Bring it on, zombie!" I said with my mouth.

A flash of lightning gave us a sight of the monster walking at us.

"FIRE!" The guinea pig screamed, and we began spitting pea bullets at him, sounding like Gatling guns spraying everywhere but most of it hitting Brent. It was like a war zone, but with a few soldiers, and it felt like The Walking Dead in real life if you'd ask me.

It was fun seeing the bullets disorient the zombie, he was backing out, screaming in pain as small peas hit him.

"DIE ZOMBIE!" I laughed maniacally then practically drank the contents of the bag to reload on bullets.

Brent fell to his knees weakened by the open fire, but was still moving toward us. I snatched the umbrella near me and ran at him, charging in full force before hitting him with all I got. This further weakened him. With one last resort, I grabbed the plate from the table and smashed it on his head, knocking him out for good.

The rain stopped and the lights finally returned, and the sounds of my parents' car was heard pulling up by the driveway.

I ran to the front door and gave my parents a huge hug. They were shocked by my sudden appearance, "Mom! Dad! Brent's a zombie!"

My father looked at me with confusion, "What are you talking about, Billy?"

"It's true, sir. Brent tried to eat our brains, but we managed to knock him out." Charli popped out from my pocket.

My mother gasped, "Oh, my God, Brent!" She screamed and ran to motionless body lying on the floor. "Billy, what the hell did you do? We were only gone for a few minutes and you just messed up your brother even more!" She cradled his head on her lap, "I mean, look at him, he was so afraid of the dentist he got all pale and there was a struggle that ripped his clothes, his face is swollen from all the anesthesia they used so he won't feel a thing!"

"So... He's _not_ a zombie?" I felt my head sink between my shoulders in embarrassment.

"No, he's just really, really high." My dad carried Brent to his room.

"Ohh..." I bit my lip and slowly tip toed backwards into my room and locking myself in there as my parents clean up the mess we made.

Charlie stuck his head out from my pocket, "So... Wanna watch more TWD?"

"Hell yeah."


	6. S02E02: COPS & ROBBERS

**Billy Hamburger**

It was a bright and sunny day in Sacramento, I held Charlie in my hands as we walked down the somewhat empty street. It was currently four in the afternoon, and most stores were getting ready to close up for five. Birds chirped and flew from tree to tree as the rays of sunlight hit the green-leaved plants and flowers, I squinted lightly as the sun shined in my eyes. I was incredibly hungry for a snack and could have definitely made do with an ice cold drink.

"Oi, Billy!" Charlie called out to me, his deep British accent was unlike no other. You'd think he'd have an American accent from living in Sacramento for quite a while. "Let's go to that 24 hour shop, I'm thirsty and barely bloody sozzled!"

"Um.." I squeaked, "I only have two dollars and that's barely enough for candy and soda! And... Aren't I underage?"

Charlie glanced up at me in a thoughtful gaze.

"Well, they sure won't sell booze to a guinea pig. You could easily nick a bottle or two without gettin' caught!" Charlie retorted, as I stared at him in the slightest confusion. His British lingo was way too weird for my brain to process.

"Wouldn't that be stealing?"

"It's not stealing if you're not caught." The guinea pig grinned, "C'mon, do it for your pal Charlie."

"Alright, now you're being a meanie."

"I'm always meanie." Charlie smirked.

"I dunno..." I stuttered, pushing open the door of the convenience store setting off a small bell ring. "Let's just share the soda I'll buy."

"Good morning, sir!" The store clerk greeted. I smiled at her as a reply.

We ventured into the aisles, looking here and there for some food cheap enough for my the money in my pocket but enough to satisfy my appetite. My stomach roared, I need something to eat.

Charlie firmly sat on my shoulder, looking for the liquor section. Then he suddenly screamed, "THERE!" He pointed to the shelf at the end of the aisle, "OH SWEET BOOZE!" He shook like he was having a seizure, excited to get his hands on a bottle. He tugged on my shirt, "Let's go there, Billy!"

"How many times do I have yo tell you? I'm underage." I shook my head.

Charlie whined, "Just take it and put it in your pocket, there's a lot of space in it."

"No." I crossed my arms.

Suddenly, something caught my attention, near the booze section was a whole lotta stacks of candy. There were chocolate bars, chocolate milk, chocolate cupcakes, chocolate everything! I trembled, mouth watering at the sight of it. However, one particular chocolate food caught my eyes:

A pack of delicious _Toblerone_ chocolate.

"Sweet chocolate." I took one from the shelf and sniffed the box. I almost had an orgasm just by the smell. I turned the box around to check the price. It was four dollars. "Dang it." I frowned, knowing that I couldn't afford it.

"What's the matter?" My pet asked with much sarcasm in his tone.

I sighed and bowed by head, showing him the price.

"Aww, you poow wittle Biwy, do you want it?"

"Yes."

"Then how about you take one?" He asked nicely, in fact, so nice that he sounded odd. "I know you want it. Just take one, and also take a bottle of booze too. It's a win-win for us."

"Umm.. Okay.." I mumbled, scratching my head a little. I slid the chocolate inside my pocket then sneakily made my way to the alcohol aisle, I grabbed one single beer bottle and hid it up my shirt.

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" A man yelled, coming from behind us. I jumped in surprise, eyes welling in tears. We were caught red handed. "I know you're hiding something."

By his sudden outburst, I recognized that it was Sgt. Anous, a police officer with a thick bushy mustache with a huge appetite for donuts.

Charlie and I raised our hands in the air, "We didn't do anything, Sgt. Anous!" I said.

"There'll be no robbers in this store when I'm around, Billy. Now turn around with your hands up!"

"What are we gonna do now, Charlie?" I whispered to the guinea pig who was shaking as well.

"We need to find something to distract him." He replied.

"Well? Do you wanna be swiss cheese?" The officer cocked his gun, "Turn around!"

"And slam the door?" I joked, finally facing him.

"What?" He raised his gun firmly gripping it.

"Y-y'know, the lyrics to ' _Let it Go_ '?"

He raised an eyebrow, "The cancerous song from three years ago?"

"I-I guess?"

"Dude, I believe it's _turn away and slam the door_ , not 'turn around'." Charlie whispered, snickering.

"I don't have time for jokes, and that joke is seriously not funny." Sgt. Anous rolled his eyes.

"I'm sorry, officer." I looked at my feet.

"You should be sorry, what do you have to say for yourselves?" He snarled, "Both of you?"

"Well..." Charlie mumbled, "None, except... LOOK! A DONUT!" He exclaimed, pointing at something behind the cop.

"WHAT?! WHERE?!" He turned around searching for it.

"RUN, BILLY! RUN!" The guinea pig screamed.

"But I want a donut too!" I whined.

"RUN, YOU FUCKING POOF!"

"YES SIR!" I sprinted away from the confused policeman who was able to realize what was happening a few seconds later.

"STOP RIGHT THERE, ROBBERS!" Sgt. Anous bellowed. He then ran after us.

I dashed as fast as I could, sliding around the corner and going into another aisle. "Why are we running?" I gasped, catching my breath, "I don't wanna fight the law!"

"Do you wanna go to jail?" He yelled.

"I don't wanna! That's worse than having a time out!" I kept running, hearing Sgt. Anous's footsteps fast approaching.

"Then keep running!"

"I can't shake him!" I ran in a zigzag, but still the cop was fast.

"Wow, didn't expect that from a donut-crazed police officer." Charlie grunted, "I'll think of a way." He looked up front and spotted a stack of toilet paper, "Quick, tip over that thing!"

Without any hesitation, my foot swooped the bottom part, kicking it away from the bunch. The stack began toppling over, falling on top of Anous that caused him to trip on a roll and fall down on the ground.

He soon got back up to his feet, "You can't run from me."

"Quick, grab a carton of eggs." Charlie blurted out. My hand quickly snatched one and handed it to him. "Hey Anous! Have an egg-celent surprise!" He cackled, hurling one at the pursuing police officer.

Sgt. Anous screamed. I got a chance to get a glimpse, the egg shattered on his hat and showered his face with raw yolk. Charlie didn't stop, he threw the entire carton on the floor, spilling egg whites and yolks on the cop's path.

This time, Sgt. Anous slipped and had a hard time getting up, screaming and slipping as his uniform was becoming more and more stained in every slip he had. We kept running, losing him upon making a right turn into another aisle. I stopped for a moment, catching my breath and massaging my aching legs.

"This is now a war zone, Billy. We have to fight." The guinea pig mumbled.

"What?!" I panted, "I'm not ready for war yet!"

"Too late for that, soldier." He responded in an assertive manner, "There's no turning back."

"I-I c-can't."

"Do you want that candy bar?"

At that instant, my mouth immediately began watering, my hand feeling for the box of chocolate in my pocket, "Y-yes." I squeaked.

"I can't hear you!"

"Yes." I murmured, eyes widening, imagining what things I'll do with the chocolate bar once we're done fighting for it. It definitely was worth fighting for.

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"YES!" I screamed, chest pounding with much excitement.

"Then we're gonna have to fight for it!"

"Wait... We don't have guns."

"We'll fashion one, out of these meat products." Charlie said, pointing up. It was then that I realized that I was hiding behind a freezer.

"Alright!" I took a bottle of barbecue sauce and poured some on my finger before marking my cheeks with it. "Mmm, deliciouso." I licked the dripping sauce.

"First, grab that salami." He said. I reached into the freezer and dug into it, pulling out a long, thick red salami.

"You're gonna fashion a salami gun?" I asked eagerly.

"What are you talking about? I'm gonna make something for me to eat. All this running's making me hungry." He scoffed, reaching for a lettuce and a bun on the shelf near us.

I shook my head and smirked, "Then I'll make the salami gun."

"Make those bullets extra juicy."

* * *

The equipments were all set, we made helmets from watermelons. Then we built a fort around us by stacking sacks of flour on top of each other. I ducked behind the barrier, waiting for the enemy to arrive.

"He's coming!" Charlie bellowed, spotting Sgt. Anous at the other end of the aisle with his telescope made of cardboard center of toilet papers.

The policeman was also prepared, he was equipped with milk jugs, ice cream, and many more, he even had a flag with an image of his bushy mustache.

"You ready?" He yelled.

"Bring it on, poof!" Charlie retorted.

"CHAAAAAAARGE!" The officer screamed, charging towards us hurling the things within his reach. In response, we fought back as well, throwing discs of salami at him. Anous did not slow down, he began dancing like a ballerina around the discs. "I had a little help with my good friend George Washington." He stuck his tongue out.

"Shit! We need something else!" Charlie exclaimed. He suddenly gasped, "DUCK!" He jumped down.

"What?" I turned back to look at the charging police officer when a rubber duck hit me in the face.

I shrieked, falling down on the floor clutching my face. "IT GOT ME! IT GOT ME!"

"Billy!" The guinea pig said, "Speak to me, boy!"

I weakly lifted my head, "Go on without me, sarge. It's been an honor serving with you."

 **Charlie the Drunk Guinea Pig**

"Billy?" I sniffed, seeing his eyes slowly close and his mouth hang open, "BILLY!" I cried, "Avenge you, I will, cadet. AVENGE YOU, I WILL!"

With a heavy heart over the loss of my best friend, I took an apple and threw it at the charging man, yelling all the curse words I could think of which I won't put it here because it would be too graphic.

Sgt. Anous grabbed a bag of chips, ripped it open, "FIRE IN THE HOLE!"

I saw the bag launch from his hand and fly towards us, "CHIP GRENADE!" I jumped out of the way, with the explosion of chips catapulting me on a shelf.

I hid behind the bottles of ketchup, keeping myself concealed from the cop's view while making my way around him.

There was a moment of silence, as if everything stood still. Until a chip cracked, Sgt. Anous was looking for me. "Here, Charlie, Charlie."

"Are you trying to summon the demon?" I replied, laughing, "Well, if it's a demon guinea pig you want," I jumped from the shelf and landed on the man's shoulder, "-IT'S A DEMON GUINEA PIG YOU'LL GET!"

He screamed, trying to claw me from his back. I slid down and crawled up his pants, "I see London, I see France, I see someone's hairy butthole!" I laughed as he shrieked, thrashing around the place like a mad donkey.

"GET OFF OF ME!"

"You gotta do better than that!"

"Alright." He grunted, letting out a big nasty fart with me still inside.

"HOLY SHIT!" I squirmed, holding my breath as I climbed up his pants and into his shirt. Eventually, I made it to his chest and held onto his shirt, "One purple nurple coming up!" I pinched his nipples and twisted it, making Anous scream an impossible high note.

He was spinning around, trying to shake me off. But I held onto him, his areola turning purple the longer I held onto it. Sgt. Anous ripped open his shirt and pulled me off then threw me away. I flew to a box full of bananas, landing on my back grunting in pain.

He clutched his chest, "I think my nipples are bleeding."

I weakly stood up, my back throbbing in pain, "You wanna give up?" He exhaled, tired from all of it.

"NEVER." He charged once again.

With one last resort, I picked a banana, peeled it then threw it on the floor. Sgt. Anous picked up a salami stick and swung.

It happened so fast, but I was able to see everything. The policeman slipped on the peel and he managed to smack my face. We both fell to the floor severely injured, both grunting in pain and out for the count. I laid there on my back staring at the ceiling of the shop.

"You know what?" The policeman mumbled.

"What?" I weakly replied.

"You guys win."

"What? No, you win, Sgt. Anous." I said, "You clearly beat me."

"No, you win."

"No, you!"

"No, you!"

"How about we all win?" Billy suddenly spoke up, crawling up then collapsing next to us. The boy weakly reached for the box of chocolate in his pocket and handed it to Anous, "Here, you can have it back. All these trouble for a choco bar and a bottle of booze."

"Tell you what, I'll pay for those."

"Really?" Billy sat up.

"Just promise me you'll never steal again."

"We promise." We said in unison.

We helped each other up then made our way to the door, all of us having smiles on our faces except the janitor. Suddenly, Sgt. Anous turned his head to the counter where a teen was leaning over it and flirting with the store clerk.

The cop jumped and cocked his gun, "STOP RIGHT THERE, FLIRTER!"

The teen raised his hand up and looked at us. It was Billy's brother Brent.

"Why are you flirting with that lady?!"

"I-I'm not flirting with her!" Brent shook his head.

"He kinda is." The clerk replied.

Brent nervously looked back at us, at the policeman's gun, "I-I may have flirted a little bit but-"

"BULLSHIT!" Anous bellowed and showered bullets at him.

The teen jolted at every bullet that hit him, pretty much like Anthony in Smosh's 'How To' videos.

We gasped, but stopped when we noticed that blots of paint exploded on Brent's chest.

"Don't worry, these are paintballs, it won't hurt that bad." Sgt. Anous winked.

I burst into laughter, "But it's gonna leave a mark."


End file.
